A purely scientific inquiry into cavegirls
IF you've ever been to Kentucky, you know that there are many fascinating things to do tucked away among the forrested hills of this great redneck habitat. Kentucky is a geological wonderland, and is home to many caves and rich fossil beds dating back hundreds of thousands of years. Built atop one of these prehistoric graveyards is Kentucky's newest and most infamous tourist attraction, the Creation Museum. I'm not sure if the museum's founders were unaware of the irony, or just thumbing their nose at paleontologists, but you can still wander over to the nearby rocky hillsides and, with a little digging, unearth fossilized trilobites dating back millions of years. They make great skipping stones, or gifts for museum visitors.
The Creation Musem itself doesn't really qualify as a science museum, because there isn't enough science in it, but one of its exhibits DOES contain elements of a good science fiction film. I am, of course, referring to that illustrious staple of creature features, the Land of People-Eating Dinosaurs. Here is a picture:
Creation Museum Cave Girl
This is an actual exhibit in the museum. At first glance, it appears suspiciously like a scene from a Harryhausen film, with cave girls and dinosaurs coexisting in defiance of all things carbon-dated. But closer examination reveals that it is NOT AT ALL accurate in its depiction of the cave girl. Anyone who has seen a People-Eating Dinosaur movie knows very well that cave girls wear FAR less clothing. They also scream and fall down a lot, and her ankle does not appear to be twisted in any way. Nor is she being abducted by a Pterodactyl, wrestling with another cave girl, or otherwise in any peril whatsoever. In fact, the dinosaur behind her appears quite content to simply watch her eat berries. It must be a species of Peeposaurus Pervus. They stalked cave girls, but never attacked. No one is sure if they went extinct or were simply forced to live in hiding because of all the restraining orders.
Here is a REAL cave girl...in fact, THE cave girl, Raquel Welch from the Harryhausen stop-motion masterpiece, One Million Years B.C...
Actual Cave Girl
Raquel put the movie cave girl on the map. There have been many lesser cave girls since, but none as iconic as Loanna the Fair One. Good science is reproducible, though, and so is a good box office draw, so let's examine a few more cave girls. (You don't mind, do you?) Hammer studios was quick to see the potential of the scantily-clad cave girl movie, so they gave us Victoria Vetri in When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth:
Dinosaurs love to chase cave girls like dogs love to chase cats
If you are one of the lucky owners of the original version of this movie on DVD, hang onto it. It seems that Best Buy initially marked the box as being rated "G", but was forced to recall them after some wide-eyed kiddies saw two more monsters than they had bargained for when Victoria lost her top in the uncensored film. You won't see THAT in the Creation Museum (not even in the Adam and Eve exhibit...sorry, kids).
Hammer made yet another cave girl movie, the Creatures That Time Forgot, but it scarcely merits a mention, since Hammer forgot the creatures, too, eschewing stop-motion for more furkini time. This violated the unwritten law of People-Eating Dinosaur movies that they must, at some point, contain a dinosaur. Otherwise, it might as well be a beach movie, and no one wants to hear a bunch of pre-literate cave people sing.
Not hired for her singing ability
Another noteworthy entry into the People-Eating Dinosaur movie cave girl club is the Mighty Peking Man (aka Goliathon). While not technically a dinosaur, Goliathon IS a giant monster, and there is little doubt about who he is peeking at in this over-the-top-in-a-Hong-Kong-kind-of-way grindhouse film. Here is a photo of the highly peekable Swedish cave girl, Evelyn Kraft, which was taken in one of the rare moments when her top was not falling off:
The Giant Peking Man (not shown)
So, as we can see from first-hand evidence, the Creation Museum exhibit is hopelessly innacurate in its depiction of cave girls. There is plenty of proof to the contrary (including less noteworthy films as the People That Time Forgot, Prehistoric Women or even Dinosaur Valley Girls) But don't take my word for it. Do your own research. You may not learn a lot watching films like Tammy and the T-Rex, but it's every bit as educational as a trip to the Creation Museum, and a lot cheaper.
